Sally, Post class 11/13

The theorist, Cixous, surprised me. Her feminist writings were a little "out there" for my tastes with her discussion of the masculine and feminine roles in society. However, I listened and participated in the exercise whereby only us 3 women could speak and the rest of you guys - 6 including Dr. Casey - were limited in expression -you could not speak and had to write your thoughts on paper. Then you had to wait to see if we would share what you had to say with the others since the option to ignore the mens' comments had been allowed and was part of the exercise. The discussion that followed after the men could speak again was quite interesting and revealing. It was during that discussion that a quote by Cixous caught my attention. Cixous, a French feminist theorist, describes men in fairly stereotypical terms: the traditional man values "virility, authority, power, money or pleasure." (161) She goes on to say "that is what society is made for -- how it is made; and men can hardly get out of it." (161) The key words for me are "can hardly." I have male friends who are sensitive, nurturing, and fair. They do not live for power, authority, or money. So, are they men who have transcended the stereotypical labels of the "male" or are they naturally, by nurture and/or nature, more balanced in their sense of self? I liked it that cixous left open the possibility that not all men are the same stereotypical "insensitive, power hungry males" most feminists describe. Cixous went on to gain credibility with me. She described women very accurately. Certainly, there are exceptions to every generalization, but for the most part women have a giving nature. Cixous describes a woman in this way: "She too, with open hands, gives herself --pleasure, happiness...But she doesn't try to 'recover her expenses.' I found this statement to be personally empowering for the following reason: I am in the process of a divorce after a 30 year marriage. I have no regrets and willingly loved and served my family over those years. However, it was at a great sacrifice to my career(I gave up a lucrative career and "volunteered" in a family business for 24 years, was a stay-at-home mom (successfully homeschooling our kids who have gone on to do good things with their lives in college and beyond.)

So,here I am at 50 basically starting over in life....Because of that, the men friends/relatives in my life see dollars and cents and self-sacrifice on my part; they kindly, but strongly, advise me to "recover expenses." I agree in part and know that I should protect myself for the future, but I also desire to be fair, to bow out gracefully and see us each go on with our lives. The key word is "future." My motivation is not based on what I have done in the past - I do not seek to "recover expenses." On bad days, my soon to be "ex" sees only his financial contribution to our household over our past 30 years together and rightfully wants to protect his interests; on good days, he seeks to be fair in settling our assets and wants to see me "taken care of." Back to Cixous....she described men as "always proving something" whereas women are "able not to return to themselves...she is not the being-of-the-end (the goal), but she is how-far-being-reaches." (161) I never thought I'd agree with a feminist, but I do tend to agree with Cixous on these points. She has a credibility that resonates with my heart and life experience at this juncture in my life. What is the goal in life? A year ago I thought it was to coast into the 'golden' years of life with my spouse...Cixous says women are not as goal oriented as men....she says women do not "flee the extemes." (161) She says women are not "beings-of-the-end" and I take that to mean, we're here for the journey. A journey through a life that abounds with surprises, accomplishments, and challenges.